All in the mind.

 Madness.

Mental health, we don’t say madness anymore, which is as far as I’m concerned madness, every couple of decennia we change words so as not to offend people, until the new words become offensive to the ultra sensitives. 

Anyway, madness, I am starting to think that I might be suffering from a form of it, I’m becoming a bit of a nutter. On top of that I am starting to forget the recent past, I can remember things from years ago, just don’t ask what I did yesterday, that is a mystery. 

In comedy, it comes down to me having to re-write whole pieces of my show every time I perform because I can’t remember what I talked about on stage last week. That’s the memory bit. 

The nutter bit is me constantly doing stuff I hate and yet repeating the behavior. Am I more of a nutter than I used to be? Maybe not, but I am noticing it more than I used to. It could be that the meditation exercises I do are making me more aware of my behavior, who knows? Don’t ask me I’m a self-declared nutter. 

Now you’re waiting for an example of my madness, well that is something between me and myself, but let it be known I am for all intent and purposes verging on a form of madness that, although it allows me to function to a certain extent, is bloody annoying to me. 

I have always thought of myself as an outsider, I try hard to fit in, but the harder I try the less I fit. 

I have never had too many friends, I tried but I don’t know how to cope, or what I am supposed to do with them, I prefer my own company, some of my happiest days are spent with myself, in my own head. 

Over the years I’ve tried to fit into various groups but it's always the same way, I annoy people, I piss them off they piss me off, and I crawl back into my shell and “fuck ‘em”. 

It’s not that I don’t want to be liked or that I don’t care, I do, and very much so. I say ‘yes’ to a lot of things I should say ‘no’ to just in the hope that people will like me, but that never works, because in the end, I despise them because I feel used (although it’s my own fault), so now it’s my time to start learning how to say ‘no’. 

When I do say ‘no’ it ends with me feeling guilty about not doing what was asked, I’m afraid that I will be disliked for saying no. what am I afraid of really? I wouldn’t know, it’s a vague feeling of being shut out, as if I could be more shut out than I am now. 

Quelle misére. 

Another question in my mind is ‘why should I bother trying to change now?’ I’m almost 70!!! Isn’t that a time of life to start thinking of nothingness? Why change now? Surely that would lead to confusion among people at my funeral, different speeches as if they were talking about a different person.

Or should I take a more Buddhist view that life should be about constantly changing for the good, trying to be a better person? Who will say? Not me because I’m a self-declared nutter.