All in the mind.

 Madness.

Mental health, we don’t say madness anymore, which is as far as I’m concerned madness, every couple of decennia we change words so as not to offend people, until the new words become offensive to the ultra sensitives. 

Anyway, madness, I am starting to think that I might be suffering from a form of it, I’m becoming a bit of a nutter. On top of that I am starting to forget the recent past, I can remember things from years ago, just don’t ask what I did yesterday, that is a mystery. 

In comedy, it comes down to me having to re-write whole pieces of my show every time I perform because I can’t remember what I talked about on stage last week. That’s the memory bit. 

The nutter bit is me constantly doing stuff I hate and yet repeating the behavior. Am I more of a nutter than I used to be? Maybe not, but I am noticing it more than I used to. It could be that the meditation exercises I do are making me more aware of my behavior, who knows? Don’t ask me I’m a self-declared nutter. 

Now you’re waiting for an example of my madness, well that is something between me and myself, but let it be known I am for all intent and purposes verging on a form of madness that, although it allows me to function to a certain extent, is bloody annoying to me. 

I have always thought of myself as an outsider, I try hard to fit in, but the harder I try the less I fit. 

I have never had too many friends, I tried but I don’t know how to cope, or what I am supposed to do with them, I prefer my own company, some of my happiest days are spent with myself, in my own head. 

Over the years I’ve tried to fit into various groups but it's always the same way, I annoy people, I piss them off they piss me off, and I crawl back into my shell and “fuck ‘em”. 

It’s not that I don’t want to be liked or that I don’t care, I do, and very much so. I say ‘yes’ to a lot of things I should say ‘no’ to just in the hope that people will like me, but that never works, because in the end, I despise them because I feel used (although it’s my own fault), so now it’s my time to start learning how to say ‘no’. 

When I do say ‘no’ it ends with me feeling guilty about not doing what was asked, I’m afraid that I will be disliked for saying no. what am I afraid of really? I wouldn’t know, it’s a vague feeling of being shut out, as if I could be more shut out than I am now. 

Quelle misére. 

Another question in my mind is ‘why should I bother trying to change now?’ I’m almost 70!!! Isn’t that a time of life to start thinking of nothingness? Why change now? Surely that would lead to confusion among people at my funeral, different speeches as if they were talking about a different person.

Or should I take a more Buddhist view that life should be about constantly changing for the good, trying to be a better person? Who will say? Not me because I’m a self-declared nutter. 

Looking through the window.

 All great leaders are dead, or history is a lie.

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that some teeth have mysteriously grown? 

Kids at school can learn all the math they want they still won't be able to solve the problem of trying to survive on average pay.

In the parallel economy it's hard to make ends meet.

Ever wonder how many breaths you have left. 

A Poem.

All I see on my tv are talking heads called Celebrities

A shiny one, a laughy one, a pretty one and more, a young one, an old one they must be bred by the score.

Some have sung, some have acted some have talents unknown.

One thing they have in common, they're on the telly

so you'll never hear them moan

Always happy all teeth and smiles, no problems, no debt or pain

But the trouble with this ego herd they're all the fucking same.

Casual thoughts on a weekday, in the mist between Christmas and New Year.

 I'm getting old and I have to adapt. (and pee a lot more)

Everything changes, is changing, and that's good, it's always been that way, now I'm on the receiving end of evolution. I watch my language try to follow the new norm, the new sensitivities. People with multicoloured hair talking to me about gender and gender fluency, don't they now? that when I was their age I was a fan of David Bowie. Although I was an idiot back then (more than now) If you had talked to me about gender fluid I would have thought about the stains on my bed linnen. But David Bowie? he was already into all that stuff. (btw my dog thinks my leg is gender neutral).

One good thing about this getting old gig, I don't have to worry about long term problems.

I'm retro, pre-loved, second hand, antique and my prosthetics make me kind of bric a brac. 

I'd like to meet the person who makes up all the pretentious names for all the different sorts of coffee you can order, and force feed the fucker some coffee beans. 

I love Eastern Europe, most places there don't buy into this fake happiness.

Using pedestrian crossings in Prague just makes you more vulnerable.

I travelled to London for a gig on the eurostar train, I must say the legroom was just about right for me, but I'm just 1m 68cm, for anybody taller it must be hell, but there again my head didn't comfortably reach the cushion on the seat, so the design of these seats are for people with short legs and a long torso I suppose. It's a fast way to cross the Channel, but in a rubber boat you probably have more legroom.

Cold.

 Cold.

I was waiting in line at the checkout of our local supermarket. 

Loading all the stuff we think we’ll need on to the conveyor belt. 

I noticed that the guy behind me only had two chocolate bars. 

I said “go ahead you only have the two chocolate bars, you can go before me”.

He answered with a smile, “It’s ok, I can wait, it’s cold outside”. 

The next day I saw him again, this time sat on his blanket in a shop doorway.

I dropped some money in his cup. 

We smiled, I moved on, it was cold.

What to do.

 What should we do? 

What should we do when the fire goes out? 

When nothing can touch us when everything is doubt. 

What should we do when our battery is dead? 

When we sit in the dark and live in our head.

What should we do when each day is the same? 

When life is just boring and we’re not in the game. 

What should we do when our brain is just mist?

When feelings are gone and we just want to get pissed. 

When nothing seems real

When everything is a reel 

An instagram story or fake or a steal. 

Switch it all off. 

Start a new deal.

Shadows of a life cheaply spent.

 Flashing images pass by,

Folk with obviously better lives than I

Reels of shows and parties and laughter

I sit and watch and wonder what happens after

When phones go dead, things not recorded

Not posted, not uploaded

Problems not sorted.

Shadows on the social media wall

Dancing, prancing, singing, and acting

Begging for likes, thumbs up, or follows

I scroll through streams 

Watching other people's dreams

Trying to make sense of what it all means.

(Tik-Tok, the sound of time passing.)

Look at me, this selfie is just perfect

It’s me as I am,

as I act,

as I scream.

Heading to a future 

as an influencer ‘has been’

When no selfie can hide

The end of my pride

The cracks in the mask 

Visible to all

Not a big thing now

Just frightened and small. 

Control.

 Put more sugar in their diet, 

put more lard on the arse, 

feed ‘em breed ‘em.

Keep ‘em plugged in and switched on,

let them consume, consume consume.

Don’t forget to tell ‘em this is paradise and that they are happy, 

give ‘em whacky DJs and feel-good tunes, 

give ‘em Adele and Coldplay for the sad days, 

pour it in pour it on. 

Just keep ‘em occupied, occupy their brain, no time for pain, keep ‘em running, keep ‘em scared.

Zero hours contract and zero-hours truth. 

Give ‘em sport, give ‘em a flag, 

give ‘em an enemy within and another without. 

Let ‘em worry, worry…

and on Fridays give ‘em a curry.

January . Even the Cold war has become hot.

 Wednesday, January 26th, 2020.

As January draws to an end, we sit in our houses with lights and heating out and our masks on because of energy prices and foul breath.

Russia is on the brink of annexing Ukraine which could mean all-out nuclear war with the United States if Joe Biden can remember where he put the keys to the Nuclear Codes. The only positive outcome could be that Putin would still allow Ukraine to take part in the Eurovision Song Festival. 

Fearlessly Boris Johnson threatened Russia if it should invade Ukraine, Putin retaliated by buying the last two properties in central London that aren’t already in Russian ownership. 

The E.U. has also issued threats to Putin, saying action on his part would mean sanctions and the creation of sub-committees to investigate further sanctions after first investigating the possibility to create a think tank that would work out suggestions of retaliatory actions. ( P.S. can we still get that gas)

NATO sources say that Ukraine is strictly speaking not in the North Atlantic and thus cannot receive help. 

In the UK Boris Johnson denies all knowledge of the Covid 19 rules he created saying he must have been drunk when he signed off on them.

During Prime Ministers Questions in Parliament, the PM said that any breach of the rules on his part is counteracted by the washing of his hands in innocence. (Innocence is like Dettol but less effective) . The Conservative party is very worried about Boris Johnson’s lies, a spokesperson told us ‘Many Conservative MPs are worried that Boris Johnson has discredited the fine art of lying which has long been a mainstay of the Party’. Boris Johnson is not worried about a leadership vote as long as he can hold it off long enough to give all his children the right to vote. In another move, Jacob Rees_Mogg told Nanny that he would never lie.

The Queen has announced she stands firmly behind Prince Andrew for personal safety reasons.

Greece has had more than a meter of snow, scenes were horrific, some climate experts are calling it ‘Acropolice Now’ (see what I did there?)