Louis CK and all that jizz

For all the comedians and people who follow comedy and what's going on in the comedy scene. A few words about the Louis CK shit storm. We can't judge from afar.... and all that jazz. But that has never stopped us doing and saying things on stage about lots of other things from Bill Clintons 'bell end' to Terrorism, death and war. Things that for others are horrendous, shocking and sometimes lightly offending. We 'the funny truth sayers' always want to have our say. So why, pray tell, when the news is about 'one of our own' - Louis CK - do we suddenly lose the comedic gene and become either defensive or apologetic ? I mean I've heard comedians do jokes about the Holocaust FFS! So to paraphrase and adapt a comedic line from Louis CK - 'there's always good and bad, ok so Louis CK objectified women, used his name,fame and power to force women to watch him jack off, for this he's probably lost his career, his respect and a lot of friends........... but on the bright side..... give it a year and maybe I can get him to our comedy cellar for 200 euros'. Stay on point.

I don't know.

I think it was the Motown group 'The Temptations that had the hit song 'Ball of Confusion', the opening lines of that song and the music are for me symbolic for how life has become.
With the arrival of internet,social media and 24 hr scrolling news we have a daily 'waterboarding' of News(fake and real), scandal, trivia and issues that will define our future. Hardly have we digested such important issues as Trumps presidency or Brexit before we get submerged in the sleazy 'inappropriate sexual behaviour' of Politicians and celebs. Meanwhile we are confronted with theft on a grand scale as shown in the Panma and Paradise papers. Housing is becoming scarce, poverty is on the increase, racism is back from never being gone. The planet is creaking under the weight of human population and consumption,  profit driven urges make that corporations are prepared to sacrifice our health and our future for the sake of 'a few dollars more'. Religious fanaticism uses the neo colonial warfare being waged by the west to terrorise whole nations and try to turn the clock of evolution back toward the dark middle ages.This gets poured into our brain, it gives us stress, worries, fear (all rightly so) . In the mean time we all work harder and longer (except us comedians), work orientated stress,burn out and breakdowns are the result, and ever increasing.
It feels to me like the whole world is heading for one big mental breakdown. Social media is constantly there, in the background, it's that nagging voice that keeps egging you on to take a stand, make a statement, argue with people you never meet, join a lynchmob, be part of a world wide debate hardly ever with knowledge of actual facts. We seem to have become a screaming mass of people on the edge.
What's the answer? I don't know. Maybe our brains can't evolve quick enough to take this new mass media, byte size, internet way of life. Maybe we should slow down, step back ,focus on the things that make us less stressed, focus on what what we were doing before this cloud of confusion descended over us. Maybe we should focus on real human contact, instead of replacing it with 'messages' 'texts' 'likes' and extreme internet narcissism. Fact is I don't know. Sometimes I have the energy to try and form an opinion, mostly the energy is gone, no time -by the time I've formed an opinion on one thing it's not even in the news anymore.
All I really know is this, my garden needs cleaning up before winter arrives. I need to do some household chores. I need to read some interesting books I bought. I need to spend time with family and friends. I definitely need to work on my fitness and good health. I have some great music I have hardly listened to. When all that is done I might try and keep up with 'the news' whatever it is that day.
Disappointed ? Sorry.

ps
btw I will support others who have the energy, belief and 'go too' who are trying to save the planet and make it better for us all.

The Man

Never Presidential,
or even instrumental
the way he talks just sounds mental.
but he's the prez.

This nut job is supposed to be 'the chief'
but he got rich like some lowlife thief
No empathy ,no love no care
your struggle or grief he will not share.

In God you trust?
Well do so if you must
when you're on your knees ask the man
If this joke is some master plan.

Immigrant.

If I was taller I might see
This better future you promised me.

If I was fitter I could run
To the place you said was much more fun.

But I'm short, too slow and much too slack
Halfway there and turning back

Where I started out seems like a dream
Now I'm stuck on this trip and I want to scream

nowhere is home, nowhere is me
I'm never where I want to be

No tribe, no clan, no place to rest
moving on, no home no nest.

Not all news is all the news.

Don't let the news get you down
that the guy in charge is just a clown,
It's not all bad what we create
just learn to see beyond the hate.
Not all news is all the news
it has to sell so they pick and choose.
They prey, and pray that fear will spread
'cos that's the way they earn their bread.
Look through this mist of the bad news show
the light of humanity is still aglow.
not all news is all the news .

Whatever made you ...... (cool)

Whatever made you think that white trousers are cool?
I can see your black knickers ,you Marks&Sparks tool!

I get that you want to look nice ,feel good and be proud
but that jacket you're wearing is much too loud.

So put down the glossy that brain washing shite,
look in the mirror ,you're ok ,you're allright

Cool's not for sale ,no version or chique
Cool's a state of being, fashion's for the weak.

Dirty old git.

This is one I wrote after having a run in with a girl on the train from Kings Cross to Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival. She had a nice little Jeremy Corbyn T-shirt on, badges, all the right stuff, but she also had the window seat and wouldn't let me use the plug. I leaned in and said "Does Jeremy know you're for a monopoly position on the distribution of electricity to the poor and needy?"
She sighed and carried on reading Karl Marxs' 'on the distribution of wealth' although it might have been Engels, great double act those two but I mix them up.

I've altered the setting and context (for poetic justice), but it's about being judgmental and also solidarity.

Hello ‘anon’ girl, do you remember me? 

Probably not, but I just want to say,

you were stood in the street with your leaflets

we shared a glance the other day.

Remember? I just walked by you and winked

when I passed I heard you say

“don’t wink at me you dirty old bastard,

It’s your type that votes Theresa May”.

Now that hurt ‘cos you don’t know me

That wink was a rebel salute,

‘cos what you think and say on your leaflet

Believe me, to that I’m really not mute.

I know I didn’t take your leaflet

‘cos I know what they cost 

that’s one of my rules of living 

My gain should never be your loss.

I was looking at you with pride that day

I winked, to encourage and say

This old warhorse he has your back 

Together we’ll defeat bloody May

‘Cos I’ve been there as well 

For the miners ,for peace and for gays

This struggle has been there for ever

It gets no easier in these mad days.

Now we both made mistakes that day

I walked by, your shouts weren’t a chat

We could have stood a while together

and ended this generation gap.

‘Cos we need to stand side by side

or these problems will get out of hand

If we don’t beat ‘em all together girl

We’ll lose again, face down in the sand.

(A returning hero from Syria, his mum didn't know.)

(A returning hero from Syria, his mum didn't know.) 
"He's always been a good boy, 'cos he told me so,
Always reading the holy stuff, tho' he had some quirky mates,
I was just happy he wasn't boozing, 'cos them drunks are full of hate.
Who would have thought my lovely boy would have been misled,
someone fed his brain with lies ,and now some folks are dead".

Words.

Now me and Words get on well,
me and words could tell you a tale or two
but we keep most of them to ourselves.

Words are good friends, they're always there
we're tight they can almost read my mind
they don't judge but sometimes they're hard.
(but mostly kind)
We manage to keep it quite fair.

Be friends with words, they'll never desert you
as life takes it's toll and brings pain
they'll get you through it and you don't have to call
they're only a thought away.

Hyde Park

Had a chat today with a guy
I'll never see him again
The first born son of his father ,so obviously his name was Mohammed. Nice Guy
In London for friends and business- from Paris through Mauritania.

We sat on a bench in hyde Park started to chat, we talked of the weather and the trees, of people and their needs.
In those 20 minutes we solved a lot of the worlds problems and tensions - for us.
It wasn't that difficult,
All it took,
was the sun,
some trees
a smile, and time to think ,understand and relate.

We shook hands wished each other well said goodbye.
and left with a feeling of  'maybe' just maybe we can get through.

About Safari whores.

Big Cat shot by fat cat,

fat cat pays to be the topcat,

overpaid but underloved

he compensates with bullets of extinction.

Big Cat growls goodbye

once at peace with the planet 

now excess to the executive needs

The last one is already born

ready for the likes and clicks as it 

fades into history with only a cameo role

in the selfie. Fat cats , kill hope.

Establishment Manifesto

Put more sugar in their diet, put more lard on the arse, feed ‘em breed ‘em.

Keep ‘em plugged in and switched on,let them consume ,consume consume.

Don’t forget to tell ‘em this is paradise and that they are happy, give ‘em whacky DJ’s and feel good tunes, give ‘em Adele and Coldplay for the sad days, pour it in pour it in. 

Just keep ‘em occupied, occupy their brain, no time for pain, keep ‘em running, keep ‘em scared.

Zero hours contract and zero hours truth. 

Give ‘em sport, give ‘em a flag, give ‘em an enemy within and another without. Let ‘em worry ,worry worry ...........and fridays give ‘em a curry.

Free Credit for all.

Life expectancy is your free credit,
The only free credit you'll get to see,
It's interest free, in fact of interest to nobody.
So use it ,get on with it, just remember
there is no re-finance, there is no government funding, there is no
emergency bail out
Life insurance is that you use it and get out
God isn't your Saviour just a bailiff,
Move over, roll over,get out.
Next please!

Struggle.

I've never been a fighter,
yet everyday I fight, my opponent is always me.
Usually he wins, but sometimes I catch him
with a sucker punch, and set us both free,
for a while.

Starting a story.

It started out ok, the alarm went off as usual three minutes before six a.m. time enough to gather the senses and prepare for the day to start, waiting for the usual tid bits of information called ‘the news’. ‘Who is it that decides what’s news and what’s not?’ Steve thought. ‘I mean there must be millions and millions of ‘things going on’ all over the world, so who chooses what we Brits get to hear as being ‘the news’? There must be some person somewhere filtering it, or is it a commitee that meets at the dead of night somewhere in Broadcasting house, or wherever it is that the BBC now resides.’ ‘how come we never get to hear about what goes on in Canada for example? I mean although it’s more peace loving than it’s southern neighbour, something must go on there surely?’ ‘Whatever’ he sighed and rolled on his side, hand hovering above the off button ready to press when the news got too tedious or in his eyes downright Tory propaganda.

The newsreader just had time to say ‘The Prime Minister’... and was cut off by Steve’s thumb coming down full force on the off button. He liked to do it this way, pretending to be a Roman Emperor, condemning the news item and reader to be some imaginary lions breakfast. ‘Not today beeb, not today’.

Steve sat upright, feet on the cold linoleum floor of his bedsit in Horfield, an area of Bristol that was ‘ok’ ,not yet completely taken over by newcomers fleeing the renting nightmare known as London. ‘Here they go’ he mumbled to himself as the couple upstairs started their morning ritual of what Steve called ‘The Fook Fighters’ - a short squeeking of bed springs, followed by a couple of grunts, an even shorter silence and then an argument.

Deirdre and Liam the duelling psychos upstairs had decided to bless the world with the produce of their loins, but it wasn’t working, try as they may no pregnancy followed their  weekly ‘shagfest’ as Deirdre liked to call their Saturday night marathon. Deirdre was nice enough, but a bit too graphic in her descriptions of her and Liams love life.  Determined as she was, she decided that the shagfest should be less about enjoyment and more about repetition, she had Liam on a daily morning routine of ‘Kurt Cobain’ her way of saying ‘come as you are’. The shortened daily version of the weekend ‘shagfest’ invariably ended in a shouting match between the two of them, Liams ‘morning glory’ not having the stamina necessary  for Deirdres needs. 

‘If she doesn’t get pregnant soon I’ll shag her myself’ Steve thought, although he recoiled at the thought of sharing a bed with Deirdre, a nice enough girl but a bit too dirty, literally , when they passed in the hall she left a distinctive odor of ‘blood,sweat and tears’ Steve laughed to himself. 

“Oh Fuck!” Steve realised that there was no bread, no bread means no toast and no toast means a really shitty start to the day, ‘I could go upstairs and ask the mad shaggers’ he thought, ‘but there again would  I eat anything coming from their flat? -no I wouldn’t ,so that’s it, a quick shower and brekkie at the café just off the centre , near the office’. 

This is where day one starts, breakfast at Toni’s café.

Never Scorn the Scone.

It's all very 'bon'
to call it a Scone,
But I've always known
You should call it a Scone.

But I wouldn't moan
when eating the Scone
If the cream's not gone
feel free to say Scone

what holidays are for.

I often wonder why it is we like so much to go on holidays to 'other places', places we love to brag about to our friends and family when we're back home in the day to day and the nine to five existence. I mean, if we love these places so much why don't we just go live there? Then they would become the 'normal and the boring, and going on holiday would probably mean going back to where we started.
The going 'on holiday' is not so much about the place we go, it's more about the change we allow ourselves to have. On holiday you see folk suddenly become different people, more energetic, or just more laid back, more book reading or more dangerous sports. We wear different clothes, the stupid t-shirts sold at holiday destinations aren't there by accident. You'll see dads embarrass their children by suddenly wearing a weird hat, mothers that suddenly become beach divas, reliving the dreams of their youth (long forgotten). On holiday we get the feeling of freedom to become who ever we want, a freedom that's not that easy in the rut we've created for ourselves back in the 'day to day'.
Playfulness returns, a natural human trait. A couple of weeks a year of being just whoever you want to be, you can stroll along a beach and in your mind you are a mysterious strong type of guy, in your mind you see people wondering who you are, freedom, freedom freedom- that soon becomes boring and you yearn for the day to day and the safety of the nine to five. You realize that where you are and what you've got is probably what you need. A holiday is the suspension of reality, a reminder that there is a way out of the mundane, but also the realization that you are more or less happy where you are.

The confused sexist.

Today I went for a walk in town, just as I was entering a shop I realised there was a lady behind me ,so as I was taught when young I opened the door and let her in first. For this I received short sharp abuse, she told me she was capable of opening a door herself and that I shouldn't 'belittle' her.
Totally confused, I went home and wrote this verse. No offence intended.

Well hello girls, Ladies and Dames. 

I don’t want to intrude 

be offensive or rude,

but I’ve lost my way in the gender game,  

pleasing and teasing is what evolution has made 

me accept as the way a man should  behave, 

Please tell me, if I misbehave 

When and where I’m playing the sexist charade? 

Is opening a door for a Lady now bad? 

Does it mean I just want her, and she’s right to get mad

Does standing for a dame on a overfull train 

disrespect her  please tell, I need you to explain, 

the do’s and the don’ts in this gender game. 

Pray tell, what should I do? 

do I talk first or wait until I hear from you? 

do I ignore you and cast my gaze away 

when obviously you’ve worked on that look all day. 

I mean you look good, and I mean foxy, 

but I don’t want to be sexist even by proxy.

The discussion is raging, I get it, it’s mad 

that in this age some guys are still oh so sad. 

But what should I do?  not knowing right from strong.

If everything I do makes me look like kong.

Are there rules to the game? ‘cos I used to get beat,

for not standing for a lady and giving up my seat.

To open a door for a lady ,said mom,is what made me a man.

“you should show some respect whenever you can.

You see, my mom was the first lady for me,

so what she said was the rules for how I should be. 

She was a lady that’s all that I’m saying,

so following her rules means I’m not straying. 

 Please take my seat, I mean you no disrespect,

a Lady once taught me  this is what she’d expect.

Media maniacs in charge.

How screwed is the planet when the Prez of the biggest 'superpower' spends all day tweeting insults about womens looks, and blatant lies about his 'success'? Presidential? The guy is a psychopathic nut job, liar, bully and narcissistic maniac. Really America? is this really the best you have to give us and yourselves? From superpower to international laughing stock. Imagine if it were Putin, Kim Yung Un, or some warlord in 'Gofuckitstan' we would all be saying the guy was ready for a 'cuckoos nest' and very tight straps.
Is this the end result of media-politics? Is Trump learning to play the fiddle as the planet sizzles? This could be the beginning of the homo sapien 'end game', as the 'civilized world' have overcome most immediate 'wants' we elect people because of their TV appearances and 'straight talk' ,we no longer care about 'truth' , 'fair play' or progress for all , we just see the world as one big reality show , and so we stumble toward more and more irrational decisions that will one day come back like a boomerang to knock us back to the horrific reality we would have created. 

Just saying.

Thoughts, or thinking about them.

I seem to have forgotten how to think,  am I alone in this? I wonder. What I mean is that it feels as if I never sit and think things through anymore. Situations and occurencies seem to just take me and toss me about on the waves of their whims, I just float and don’t struggle against it, I just wait to see where it lands me.

If you were to ask me how I feel I couldn’t realy answer, I don’t feel good and I don’t feel bad, I just feel ‘ok’ . There doesn’t seem to be any highs and lows anymore, just a feeling of acceptance of where I am in my life and the place I have been given. How would I describe it? No idea. I still get annoyed now and again, especially at injustice and the way politics ruins so many lives and always seems to get away with it. It’s just that I never seem able or willing to form a really in depth analasys of the situation, it’s like a sort of mental fatique. 

My opening sentence of ‘not being able to think anymore’ is of course exageration- one of my specialities - what I mean is I can’t seem to concentrate long enough on one subject so as to form an opinion which isn’t just based on ‘gut feeling’. Thoughts fly through my mind, pushing each other to the rear, so I never get the time to dwell on one particular thought for any measure of time. It’s also like that when I am reading or listening to things I really want to know. 

I think ,or try to think , a lot about authenticity - it’s what we comedians all want to be -authentic- but we rarely take time to investigate who we actually are, and what our authenticity is. Yet to be a good comedian, and I mean a cut above the rest,it is essential to find just that, ‘what makes me me’? Who am I and what is authentic about me, and how can I be true to that? Only this can bring a comedian to the root of his or her being. Most of us comedians can get away with doing material on what we think people might want to hear and then give it a personal touch, but that is just doing a sort of comedy ‘product placement’, it’s not authenticity. It’s this search to find the ‘me inside me’, that made me take the decision to get out of the theatres and back on to the small stages, hoping that this confrontation with the rougher side of my chosen genre will reveal to me part of what I need to know. 

Stand-up Comedy is the only ‘real interest’ I have outside of family life and messing around in the garden. Stand-up Comedy, and how it works, and how I can get it to work for me. It’s been my profession for 18 years and it’s given me a good income, loads of satisfaction and a ‘place in life’ , but I still don’t really ‘get’ what’s happening when I’m on stage, it’s sometimes like an out of body experience, sometimes when on stage it’s like I can see myself and what I’m doing.  Lately I don’t even think of preparing a set list before I go on stage, I’m enjoying the excitement of just going on and seeing what my brain tosses up for me to talk about. It seems like I’ve started a new journey, a journey to find my ‘inner voice’ (being a comedian I feel silly just writing that). 

I didn’t think it through, it just seems like something that I needed to do, I’ll keep you up to date with how it works out. As long as my ‘inner voice’ has a sense of humor we’ll be ok, I think.

Brexpat?

In the film 'Good Fellas' , one of the gangsters imitates a scene from the Godfather and says 'and when I try to get out, they pull me back in'. That's the feeling I have toward politics. You can try to ignore those who govern us, ignore their corruption, the obvious hypocrisy, their blatant misuse of public funds to enrich their friends in the private sector, but ignore as you may there will always be a moment when you are forced to face up to and take a stand on one or other moral question this system throws up. The only problem there is that once you start thinking about one problem it leads to another and another until you realize there is no 'one problem' but a system that is so intricately connected and interwoven the head spins when thinking about solutions. Shifting one of the building blocks of the 'system' we live in can lead to consequences far beyond the original idea of 'change' we had.
So it is with Brexit. Do I need to re-cap? David Cameron was (electorally) forced into the referendum to counter the threat of UKIP to his party, the (arrogant?) thought behind it being 'people will never endorse such idiocy'. This arrogance led to a poorly organized campaign on behalf of the 'remain' camp and underestimated the 'gut feeling' among voters who were and are tired of the political establishment. It's the same arrogance that Theresa May has put on display, calling a 'snap' election to increase her 'mandate' - she failed. Now there is a situation of political disarray in the UK with the Tories having to rely on the DUP, the political wing of Jurassic Park, and this could lead to a shift back to the politics and violence of yesteryear in Northern Ireland.
So the UK has in a year gone from being a sometimes quirky but stable member of the EU to a disorientated, stumbling bumbling idiot of a next door neighbour, and why? politics, and I mean the game of politics as in 'power', as opposed to politics as in 'the organisation of society for the good of the many'.
I'm not a supporter of the EU as it is organized now, it's too distant from the people of europe, there is corruption ,misuse of public funds (sound familiar) and a lack of transparency and democracy. But in an ever smaller world I enjoy being european, the ability to travel and settle where I like on this old continent, the thought of bad as it might be, it's kept europe at peace with each other for years and years. The EU needs to change, but wouldn't it be better to change from within ?
So now I ,as many Brits who have made Europe their home, have an uncertain future, all of a sudden our lives have been drawn into question, into a political argument that is not of our making, we are a 'problem' that has to be solved, whereas we thought we were just getting on with our lives.
Again the randomness of 'nationality' the 'luck of the draw' of where a person fell to earth and within which lines and boundaries he or she was born becomes the main divider. I didn't want to get involved in the 'Brexit' debate, every time a discussion was started 'I tried to get out, but they pulled me back in'.

Dream Job.

Another week another WTF? since the Brexit vote (just one year ago) it seems that world politics has been affected by a self destruct virus.
Theresa May is the new  victim of 'politics of the meltdown' meme spreading across the world. It's a good job the UK has such strict gun laws or last week conservatives wouldn't have just been metaphorically shooting themselves in the feet, there would have been a few head shots too.

 You would have thought that the Brexit negotiations would have been enough for any prime minister to handle, that those negotiations would need all the concentration and focus any one person can possess , but not Theresa, she thought a general election might be a good 'warm up' for the Brexit negotiations, she probably envisaged herself getting on the eurostar to Brussels with a group of Tory fans chanting 'easy easy' all the way there like misguided Arsenal fans usually start their european adventures.
So now she has no majority in Parliament and relies on 'The Flintstones' of the DUP to get her through to the next elections, she snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

So now we are all waiting for the circling Tory sharks to attack, but will they? Sharks like 'live' bait and Theresa is dead in the water. Her task has just become more difficult by about 1000% , and all because somebody whispered in her ear that she was 'unstoppable' 'strong' and 'stable'.... oh dear.

She now faces negotiations over an agreement on Brexit - which she didn't support- an agreement that will shape the face of economics in the UK for decennia to come, not backed by the whole of her own party, and seeing Labours Grizzly Adams- Corbyn in the ascendency. The peace agreement in Northern Ireland is put on a shaky -not stable- hold for the benefit of herself and her shaky-not stable government.
What are the odds of her getting a 'decent' agreement for the UK on Brexit? I'd say about 27/1 against.

Warming up.

I don’t want to become one of those old guys who’s only preoccupation is the weather, but we do need to talk about it. 

It’s still May and the temperatures in places like Belgium, Holland and Germany are in the 30’s , now I don’t want to draw any hasty conclusions but may I just say that it’s not friggin’ normal, whatever ‘normal’ still means in this age of abnormality (in all walks of life) being the new normal.

It’s hot and I can’t handle it, if I were to convince myself that it would stay like this -for ever- I would consider setting up home in a cellar. We homo-sapiens don’t belong to the same family as lizards, this is not the environment we should be living in -end of discussion. I don’t get people who just lay in the sun all day and think it’s the best way to live. Anything above 28° and my brain goes into seizure, all I can do is find some shade or airco and wait until normality returns. But what if it didn’t ? What if this is the start of the ‘end times’ ? What if it just started getting warmer and warmer ? When would the water start being worth more than oil? At what stage would we start attacking each other for the last few drops of water? 

Just the thought of this being the way it would end for us all, sends my heart rate even further up the scales. A slow suffocation, the gradual descent of man into barbarity followed by an even slower extinction. Bye bye world it was good while it lasted, but you obviously have found a way to rid yourself of this cancer called mankind. 

Next week it will rain, next week the temperatures will be back to normal, next week we will yearn for some of this sun again, but not now- now we can only huff and puff and hope we get through it. 

Don’t forget to hydrate.  

The heat is on, build the defences.

Barcelona May 26th.

It’s May ,it’s 34 degrees celsius, I’m in Barcelona. Once more I realise I’m not a person that functions well when the heat reaches this level. I don’t see the attracton of having to split the day into two sleep patterns and two ‘doing the shit you need to do’ -patterns. 

I was booked to do some Comedy at a conference in Barcelona, and decided to stay an extra two days after the event and visit a friend- Tom, who lives in the town of Rubi nearby. 

I’ve stayed with Tom and his family before, nice people, great kids, I was here last year in June ,so I should have remembered how oppressive this heat can be. Staying with Tom I get to see Spain as seen by people that actually live and work there, another advantage is that I don’t fall into the tourist traps and -the real reason I’m here- me and Tom like to solve the worlds problems in one of the small bars in the town square, any bar actually as long as it’s in the shadow. Tom has lived here 25 years but-like me- hates the heat, so we only walk in the shadows, and drink in the shadows, which is a great metaphor for how we live our lives. In the shadows, yearning for the sun, but not being able to handle it. 

We talk like no other people I know, we spend hours talking about all the problems of modern day life and  our solutions for everything that irritates us in this ‘brave new world’ of populist politics, byte size political slogans and mass media manipulation of ‘the masses’. 

The truth is, we are dinosaurs, men of a different age, we differ ten years, yet neither of us could have imagined (when we were young) how the world would have changed by the time we reached middle age (Tom) and late middle age(Me). 

Our conversations go on for hours, never an argument, although we don’t always agree, we would never push a point so far as to endanger the friendship, we need each other, we need to ‘feed’ off each other, we need to use each others attention to unload. We talk until we can talk no more and have to take a few hours break to regroup our thoughts and start all over. 

Sometimes we try small talk, about non important issues but pretty soon the conversation will drift from how good the wine is to world capitalism and how we are all slaves to market forces and mass indoctrination- for others that occasionally share our company we are tiring. It’s a friendship built to last, because we know the other ‘is there’, we couldn’t see each other every day, that would be exhausting, but we know that come what may the other is ‘there’ if needed. 

Tom writes, he blogs he writes columns ,he is a man of words. I’m a comedian, I have an ego that needs to be fed on stage, I look at the world and stick my tongue out. 

Our manic discussions might be tiring but they can also inspire, we challenge each other on subjects and realize we have thoughts on the matters this in turn makes us put pen to paper. Our discussions remind me that ‘just talking’ about how I need to write,and learn the art of writing needs to be followed up by me actually writing. Every story starts with one word, that word has to be written, and to write a person needs to write, not just talk about writing or complain that one or other situation hinders a persons ability to write.

Distraction is aplenty in this brave new world, we each own devices that give us a free pass into the world of everything,just searching for one definition on line can end up with hours of web surfing and us forgetting why we were on line in the first place. The two days I spend with Tom will probably give me a weeks ‘boost’, I’ll write, blog, make my podcast. I’ll be inspired, but for how long? how long can the defence we build at the town squares bars protect us from the onslaught of mind numbing mega data that gets unleashed on our senses daily? I'll keep you updated, if I find the time to write.

So anyway.......

It's been a long time since I've blogged on this page, sorry for the regular users. I've had a busy time, the show I was touring with in Belgium has come to it's end, and I have decided to stop doing these (themed) Theatre monologues, and get back to doing stand-up comedy in line-ups wherever I can. So I am now bookable for Comedy evenings in Cafés ,bars, clubs and wherever. Free as a bird. Best way to contact me for that is at wilnigel@me.com  - feel free.

I have also started doing a daily podcast- you read it right, daily podcast  , it's only 15 minutes, I do it in Dutch. So I'm trying different things at the moment, to see what fits me and what I want to do with the rest of the time on this planet :-)  (don't we all).

The possibilities we have nowadays to connect with each other seem never ending, I mean even the President of the USA uses Twitter more than he uses traditional media.

What we call 'the comedy season' is coming to an end, there are always less people in comedy clubs when the sun shines, jokes can't really compete with sun drenched beaches, or outside dining so it seems.
Our last edition this season of Stand-up Antwerp is on June 21st, then we will be taking our summer break until September when we will be back with more and more great line-ups. thanks to all the people who have made our comedy cellar a 'legend' and a great success.

Tomorrow I'm off to Barcelona, to do a gig at the congress of European Transport Workers, and while I'm there visit an old friend who lives in the area. What a life . We sometimes forget the luxury we live in, every day I have to pinch myself just as a reminder to be grateful All those years when I worked in factories I could never have envisaged how my life now would be.
Although Comedy can be hard, and audiences sometimes very unforgiving and ruthless , it's still 'play' compared to the hours spent working on a conveyor belt at the local General Motors factory.

Comedy is the love of my life, not the preparation and hours of trying to find new subjects to put under the comedic microscope that's the 'graft', but the being on stage, under the lights, seeing people laugh at what comes out of my mouth is still amazing after 18 years of it.

So ,with regards to this blog, I'm back, I promise to do (at least) one a week, not that you are waiting on it, but I need the discipline.
See ya!
Nigel.

Re-boot, restart, pop up and move on.

I used to get caught up in political arguments, I used to think that my opinion was worth something, I used to think that I knew how everything was and why, now I realise that the longer I live the less I know.

I've never really thought about evolution in the right way, I've read quite a bit about evolution of earth and us (the cancer that threatens it) , but I've always read in a way that made me think that 'evolution' was a thing of the past- something that had 'happened' . I have now come to realise that evolution is still going on, it never stops, not only with the earth (changing climate -not all mans doing) but also our own human evolution.
We look at 'evolution' as if it will always be a positive outcome, but will it ? We humans seem to be changing at a rate the is too fast for our brains to adapt to, fast becoming Homo Digitalis and 'cross breeding' Homo Consumentis.
The phenomena of 'burn outs' seems to prove this very point- we chase around hunting happiness through more and more gadgets and other playthings hoping that they will enhance our lives, all the while pushing ourselves to the limits to get the latest hype, the latest trend get more 'likes' hits,clicks and other narcissistic enhancers. not only are we under pressure to perform at work ,more and more we are peer pressured into being an active social media 'personality'.

The pressure we put ourselves under is horrendous and we pass that on (aware or not) to our children and those around us. We seem to be more interested in how our politicians perform in TV entertainment programmes than we judge their policies. Politics has become just another arm of the entertainment industry. We are all fast becoming overworked overtired children who need distraction and entertainment. When confronted with the difficulties our politics and lifestyle creates, we turn to the politicians with the most simple solutions. What we call the 'populists' are more popular than ever, their 'sound byte' solutions tell us that 'all will be well' as long that we accept less privacy and more law and order, things we seem to care less about as long as we are left to play with our gadgets,  apps and games.
Economic pressures leave us burnt out and tired, 'no time to think' should be the new T-shirt, the time we have is dedicated to distraction, and so we post photos of our food and our cats and our children on-line to send the message that all is well with us. Meanwhile the very distractions we use to relieve our tense way of life gives us other pressures to live up to.

We desperately need a time out, to remember where we came from and what (who) we are, we need to reconnect with the real us, reconnect with the things around us that really matter and that are part of our earthly inheritance. We need to slow down, to talk and to realise that human happiness is often found not in things but in 'thinks', it's found in humanness.

Let's get the session underway..... Good morning ,my name is Nigel and I'm a Homo Sapien.

Being social without media.

I often think of the way we are evolving. One of the things that makes me sit up and stare, is the way we (don't) interact. Last weekend I was in Utrecht for the Comedy festival, a nice Town, the typical Dutch streets. There is something about being in another town that makes a person notice more than when walking the streets of their own neighborhood, and so it was that I noticed the interaction on the busy square where I sat to have lunch at a Café.
I was sat at a table, alone, waiting for my toasted sandwich and coffee to be served, looking around I noticed how many people were totally unaware of their surroundings or other people.
There were a few other tables like mine where one person was sat but four people could easily sit , Saturday afternoons are busy and there were people looking for places to sit, a few shed glances toward the tables where only one person was sat, but neither they or the person at the table talked or asked the question about whether they would like to share a table.
I saw three older ladies,  it turned out they were sisters, looking around so I waved and pointed at the empty three seats. They were so overjoyed at being able to sit , we laughed and joked about stuff for about 30 mins, they were from Friesland and were in town to watch 'Holiday on Ice' I joked that it's usually the other way around in Holland- with people going for a holiday on ice in Friesland.
A great meeting, good stories about their family and Friesland, we laughed and our ways parted. I even had three minutes of good comedy material out of it (....).
But what I'm trying to say is this, we seem to have lost the way about how we treat each other and how we interact.
We spend a lot of time on social media all day with people we are not with, some even with people they don't know, yet people who are around us we are hardly aware of. I find that strange.
We criticize politicians and we rant on social media about 'the way of the world' and then it springs to my mind- that old saying somebody very wise once said. 'Be the change you want to see' - and that is why I asked the ladies to join me at the table.
We can criticize society and politicians till the cows come home, but what do we do ourselves to make the world around us more bearable?

Diary , new entry.

Wednesday 22nd of March.

The day started bad, I took a tablet - my anti Cholesterol statin. I take 1 every evening so accidentally taking one in the morning as well means I have now taken two in less than 12 hrs, does this constitute an overdose? I’ll phone my Doctor in an hour when she’s in surgery to get her opinion. 

I phoned the ‘anti poison centre’ which gives advice on these matters but all their lines were busy, there must be some epidemic of people overdosing by accident,  the result of an older population I suppose. I should write a column about lack of personnel at the ‘anti poison help line ‘ and the dangers of an older population and see if someone will publish it. -Note to self, if you survive the overdose get on to newspapers to publish your column on ‘What to do with the old?’ . 

That title doesn’t seem right somehow, it sounds more like a preface to something a Nazi would write, - note to self ; change the title of the column you’re writing if surviving the overdose. 

If I’m not in hospital getting my stomach pumped later today I also have to answer some calls I’ve had. 

1. The ‘Anti Poverty Alliance have asked me to perform at their annual meeting in September, should I do this gig? and if so how much should I charge.

2.The VRT have asked me to be a guest in a debate they are organising next week on TV about Brexit. It’s not comedy so should I go? if I decide to attend I should start reading up on Brexit and form an opinion. At the moment my opinion is ‘I live in Belgium, if the UK wants to leave the EU well they should fuck off and leave the rest to get on with it’. They’ve never been convinced members anyway, the UK prefers to suck up to Uncle Sam,like the weakling in the playground that hangs around with the local bully. This is how I feel but I should get the Guardians view on Brexit to keep my fans ‘on side’. 

This will be my afternoons work, it’s not ‘work’ as such but it keeps me busy between gigs -my next gig by the way is Friday in a place called Roosdaal- about an hours drive away. (It’s the next gig that is if I survive todays overdose). 

Let’s talk again tomorrow.

1. 
   

Peace out!

There seems to be a lot of angry people on the planet, the news, social media, traffic, on the streets even my yoga teacher is pissed off at the fact that people don’t switch off their phones during meditation. Last week as I left the ‘quiet room’ I heard him scream “turn off your fucking phone dickface I’m trying to relax here you fucking hipster c*** .” 

It was reassuring  to hear that even the teacher hasn’t yet reached his Nirvana.

A lot of people are angry, angry at Trump, angry at anti Trump protesters, Brexiteers, anti Brexiteers, anti refugees, anti anti refugees, muslims,anti muslims, vegetarians, anti vegetarians , you name the subject and somebody somewhere is spouting off on Twitter, Facebook  or some other so say ‘social’ network about it. Everybody has an opinion and now we’ve found a way of ventilating it. There used to be a time when all this anger was contained to our local bar or family get togethers, now it’s all out there, digitalised hatred and anger, and it seems to be getting worse. 

I used to be an angry comedian, it was a game, find a subject get angry, spout off on stage get some laughs, go home, relax. Then I started taking it seriously, the ‘character’ on stage took over , I was really angry, comedy had rekindled my anti capitalist urban warrior self that I thought I’d left behind on the factory floor. I was really angry, for years, but not now, now everybody is angry so it’s become middle of the road, if you want to be ‘edgy’ now you need to be calm,cool and collected. Yeah! 

I’ve found good karma, I’ve lost my anger, which doesn’t mean I’ve lost my aversion to injustice and bad politics. It’s just that I have at last mastered the fine art of not giving too much of a fuck about things. I’ll still help out, go to demonstrations etc etc ,fly the flag for equality and fairness. But I can’t get angry about things. With all this hate around it’s become comical to see people getting all worked up and a clenched fist away from their first coronary about some bullshit politician. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that life is actually too short to  stay addicted to conflict. Another conclusion of mine is that we (so say) superior apes will always have a certain percentage of bad apes among us, the ones that just can’t stop throwing shit around. Good guys bad guys, every couple of years one or the other side gets the upper hand and the other side start reacting and the shit throwing starts up again. Well as from now I’ll try and wean myself off the shit throwing, the detox will be hard, and there will be relapses , but try I will. 

Going cold turkey on hating 'dick figures' like Erdogan (trying Irony there). 

Conflict is sooooo outdated, it’s time to make love not war, we need to reanimate the hippy  go lucky 60’s mentality before we all just start crushing each others skulls on the street like some ‘Walking Dead’ scene. 

Chill out people, if I’m trying anyone can. If you find you still need to kill because you heard your god tell you too then you need a psychiatrist not a war. 

So smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, cool down, turn off the news and turn on some good music, tell politicians to go fuck themselves and smoke the peacepipe with all the rest. 

And if you can’t? then fuck you you c*** !!

The future is bright.....

So, Donald the Trump wants to expand the Nuclear Arsenal of the USA, he wants to be be 'top of the pile' in the arms race. I get it, national security is important, but how many times do you have to be able to destroy the planet before you realise that Atomic bombs are only an option once we've decided to end all life on this rock?
The 'nukes' are not a 'strategic' option they are just a reminder to everyone that whoever uses it will start a chain effect that could wipe us all out, so there goes the 'National Security' argument. You can only have National Security when there is a Nation to Secure, after a 'nuke war' once the radioactive dust has settled, it'll just be the reality version of 'The Walking Dead'.
So World leaders (the psycho ones) will start dick waving and trying to outdo each other on the "We can destroy the planet more times than you" scale. Money will not be poured into relieving hunger, illness and creating a better life for everybody. Instead money will be invested in preparation of the 'end of life as we know it'.
This week it came out that the half brother of the North Korea 'haircut prince' was killed by somebody using a nerve agent called VX, it's classified as a weapon of mass destruction. Now that's the kind of news that keeps me awake at night, 'The President of Silly Haircuts has a nerve agent, a silent killer. We humans, so creative, so intelligent and so hateful of ourselves.
The future is bright...... but hey! that's what radiation will do to ya!
Sleep tight.

walldevil.com

Shelf Life.

I don't know how some people do it, every day a 'blog', pretty intense if you ask me. I manage about one a month. I write more than that but then think 'why would anybody want to know my thoughts on that' and then I delete it (I get enough time to speak rubbish when I'm on stage). We seem to be living in an age of total connectivity , and yet more and more people are crying out for attention. 'Blogs' 'Vlogs' 'Social media' etc etc ,posting photos of where we are, telling people what we are up to, what we are eating etc etc etc. I think it's time to step back and evaluate what we are doing.
This life we have is not infinite, there is shelf life attached to it, the difference is 'shelf life' is determined, our life can be snapped away from us in an instant, an accident or illness is not always within our control, we can be here today, gone tomorrow.
I don't really think that anyones last words have or ever will be "I wish I'd posted more on social media" .
I used to wear a Greenpeace T-shirt that proclaimed 'No Time To Waste', it was a wordplay on the damage we do to the planet by creating more and more waste, and that there is no time to waste in stopping the 'waste'. That could easily be applied to our own lives. There is no time to waste, because we don't know when life will call 'time' and end.
Sometimes we need to take a step back and think about the damage we are inflicting on ourselves, the constant 'race' we put ourselves in, is it worth it?
The other day I was walking through a park, one of the great parks Antwerp has to offer. It has a children's playground and (of course-this is Belgium) a great 'Tavern' where you can drink and eat. the sun was out and the playground was full of kids, the seats around the play area were taken with parents, I noticed that quite a few of the parents were on their 'smartphone' , I found it quite sad.
Watching your children at play is watching them develop , watching them interact with others, isn't that a great thing to be able to witness? what can any of the social media sites offer that is more rewarding than sitting outside in the sun watching your offspring play?
I spend a lot of time online, I use FB to promote up and coming gigs, it's easier than handing out flyers, I post things to let people know what sort of person I am and what views I have, it saves them being disappointed at the gig. In my job there is a certain amount of 'self promotion' involved, so I give in to that, but I do admit I have wasted a lot of time online, time I will never get back.
Occasionally writing a blog is enjoyable, even if nobody reads it, it gives me the chance to put thoughts to paper (or characters to keyboard) and clear my head.
Today it's raining, so it seemed a perfect moment to write a blog, I have nothing else to do. another couple of weeks and a bit of sunshine and you will find me in the garden. I won't be posting photos, I like to keep some stuff personal.
So have fun everybody, enjoy the moments we have, and lets hope there will be a lot of moments.

Fake News.

The year has only just started and the phrase of the year has already been awarded, 2017 will be the year of ‘fake news’ or as they used to call it ‘propaganda’. The only difference being is that because of the internet any of us ,given the time and the will , can produce ‘fake news’. Does it matter? 

Well it matters to the chattering classes the ones that make ‘informed decisions’ ,but to most of us it doesn’t matter, we have other shit to do. 

We have photos to post on instagram of the breakfast we ate, or the lunch we had or our cat’s new hat. We are too busy duck-facing ourselves onto selfies that will increase our likes on one or other so called social media. 

Talking of fake news, the whole of our little rich western life is fake, nothing is real, so why worry just about the news. Friends aren’t real, friends are just people we don’t know that like our shit on facebook. Most of the ‘spontaneous’ photos we post are carefully put in scene. Nothing is real, and that seems to have always been our aim. 

History teaches us that history is written by the winners, not by the defeated, heroic victories in battle were heroic because we won, the other side didn’t like the battle that much :-( sad face. So why worry about the news, it’s not that we can do anything about any of it. There are no good guys or bad guys anymore, we’ll just wait and see what happens. 

We have all these technological toys that should entertain us until death, so why the long face? Scientists can actually grow hamburgers in a petri dish , grow a frigging hamburger! no slaughterhouse, no excess bullshit, no cruelty they can actually grow a hamburger!!! Do you realise what this may mean in the future? It means that ‘real’ dildos are an option ladies, and for the lovers of weird stuff false pussy is coming to a on-line outlet near you! The world is our oyster! 

We used to dream of an amazing future, remember when you had an imagination and used to day dream? when you used to say ‘what if’... We can’t do that anymore because the ‘what if’ is possible and gets done, there are no boundaries or restrictions anymore, we live in the ‘what if’ that has become reality. So get out there and enjoy it. Even the President of the USA is a ‘what if’ (with a bit of WTF! thrown in) come true! We now have a president who can generate more on-line business just by tweeting than anyone before him could with legislation. Donald Trump is the ultimate ‘what if’ come true. 

Our dreams have been taken from us, we can’t keep up with the potential, even before we have the chance to think up a ‘what if’ it’s already been done. Except for the big ‘what if’, I mean the ‘what if’ to end all ‘what ifs’ the one we won’t even get to experience (a split second maybe). You know the one I’m talking about the ‘mushroom cloud’ what if. 

Enjoy the toys, have fun, it might happen it might not, who knows, no-one can predict it, but we live in an age where we can never say never. So enjoy life, thanks to fake news we won’t see it coming or know who started it or who’s to blame, we won’t have to worry and if the worst comes to the worst it’ll all be over before you can take a selfie and hashtag it #Iwasthereattheend. 

20th of January -the day of the Donald.

Whatever happens after the date , January 20th will go down in the history books as 'The day of the Donald'. Whatever you think of the whole situation it is a game changer.
For me it seems like we have entered a new 'age' ,an age where politics has made itself redundant and we are now being run by the banks and corporations and the clowns they choose to take up the irrelevant positions in the public 'politics arena'.
Politics seems to be the arm of Banks and corporations that redirects our anger at those who have no involvement in the ruination of our social and economic system. The banks and corporations that really run the show need politicians to avert our anger from them onto immigrants, other countries, anybody that doesn't look like us and the 'enemies within' that oppose those banks and corporations.

I think the election of Donald trump is the establishments answer to the aftermath of the bank crisis and the rise of protest groups like 'Occupy' .

We get so much fake and nep news thrown over us everyday we no longer know what's true and what is not, from that we become disinterested in politics and that is the aim - that we become screen staring morons that leave the 'politics' to the banks and corporations that own us and use us like battery chickens that click -cluck and buy their on-line produce.

That's my state of the world anyway. :-)

I promise I won't be posting this 'political' shit every blog, but it's what is bothering me at this present time, and that is what a blog is about right? A sort of on-line diary, the stuff that goes on in the head and is ok for public consumption -trust me you don't want to know everything that goes on in my head- much the same as yours probably, some things are best left under the stone where they reside.

If you enjoy reading this blog (I try to keep it short so you can read it during a coffee break, please share it with others, I don't advertise.
Anyway have fun watching the Presidents inauguration on January the 20th, it'll be a great show- The Mormon Tabernacle choir will be there (rock and friggin' roll) , the young girl that came 2nd in America's got talent and a group of dancers - hopefully not the one's on a pole that pissed on the 'press' (fake news alert).
See ya!
N.