Ball of Confusion.

 Stuff my phone tells me to do.

Eat better, find yourself, try this miracle weight loss programme, do these exercises, try this green stuff, eat more bananas - eat less bananas, Avocados do it, upload more content, be happy, relax with this special cushion, watch this endless series, like this, like me, give a like, follow me, follow him , follow her, check your gender pronouns, watch your age, switch your phone off, buy crypto currency, sell it sell it sell it, hate this bloke - cos he’s a man, love this woman-because she’s a woman, retweet, repost rewind, buy this new podcast studio, listen to this 56 hour podcast by this macho Neanderthal, use generalisations to fight discrimination, hate old people (just because they made it) , hate young people because they have a longer future, scroll, scroll, watch ads, order on line now! Order on line now! 

Use this celebrity’s death to get more likes, pretend to be sad, look at me! Look at me! Look at me!… press the button turn it off. 

Stuff I tell myself to do.

Exercise more, read more, write more, ignore memes, ignore ego tripping psychos, scroll less, act like everything is ok, head up - shoulders back,

Eat healthy, try not to be a tosser, act like you know what you’re doing, listen to happy music, don’t listen to doomsday prophets, save the planet (if you have time), have fun (remember that?) , live your life, live your life, smile at strangers… try and get through the day. 

What the government tells me to do.

Pay your taxes, obey the law, respect the police, don’t take drugs, vote, don’t litter, recycle, spend money, work, work, work, don’t think, don’t ask questions, stay healthy, shop local, believe what we tell you, pay us, keep your dog on a lead, turn the music down unless it’s sponsored, invest in concrete, love war, hate climate activists, news is like a blow job, don’t spit it out swallow it… homemade poison… don’t vote, drop out. 

What my brain tells me…

Social media is poison, stop scrolling, don’t try to compete do what makes you happy, write more like nobody is going to read it anyway, stop believing all the ‘on-line Gurus tell you, follow your own truth, follow your own beliefs, don’t eat meat, play the music that makes you happy, make people laugh, don’t take yourself too seriously, remember we all die in the end, life isn’t a race make it a stroll, ‘winners and losers’ is terminology that causes stress, it’s used to enhance the rat race. Life is about life, with all the ups and downs, disappointments and succeses, take them all with the same grains of salt. Relax more, sleep well, stop thinking something special will happen, it’s already happening. Don’t follow hypes, 

What makes me laugh.

Adults watching the Barbie film while wearing pink, sheeple. 

Us thinking we can turn climate change around. 

Listening to people who think race makes us different. 

People who trust God but still pay insurance. 

Me trying to follow a diet. 

Holiday makers complaining about forest fires. 

People who call themselves ‘animal lovers’ having a BBQ. 

Me trying to organise my life. 

Me thinking anybody will ever read all this. 

A hard rain...

 Good Days with bad edges.

I was up and out of bed this morning before the alarm clock could wake me, the alarm was set for 6:30 at 6:15 I was wide awake and just led there with my hand above the alarm clock ready to slam down on the ‘stop alarm’ button as soon as the bastard screamed its noise.

I had slept really well, the new pillow from Ikea done the job, at last I seem to have found the perfect pillow after years of searching, although to be honest those were the thoughts I had when I bought the last one - also at Ikea. 

Lack of a comfy pillow is the main cause of my frequent insomnia, I have always had problems with finding the right pillow, is it my head? Is it too heavy for the average pillow? When I was young my Mother used to tell me how ‘huge’ my head was, even at birth, she would tell me in gory detail about how my head ‘tore her open’, my head has been a constant worry. Not being ‘head confident’ has formed a part of my being, I never let my hair grow too long because I think it will accentuate the problem, when people look at me longer than a nano-second I think automatically that they have noticed my head size in relation to my smallish stature. 

Anyway getting back to today, the reason I was up so early was because I had to take the car to the garage for a check over, we’re going to France in it in two weeks time so I want to be sure everything is ok, especially the airco now we are living in these oven temperature times. 

I looked through the window it was absolutely peeing down with rain, the rest of Europe is melting or burning to the ground, here in good old ‘boring Belgium’ it’s raining, not even a storm or some other spectacular weather, just a steady drizzle, typical. 

The rain would mean me cycling back home from the garage probably getting soaked, so I wasn’t in the best of moods as I tucked into my muesli and soy milk breakfast -with freshly pressed orange juice and sliced banana, I take breakfast seriously, it’s what gets the engine up and running. Bloody rain! I sipped my coffee and looked through the window the sky looked like it would only be getting worse, damn it, this bloody rain, this bloody fucking rain, shit weather, shitty shitty shit fuckpig rain , bollocks! 

I thought ‘ok let’s do this, drive the 8 km to the garage drop the car off and cycle back, rain or no rain this warrior of the ‘day to day’ will get things done, still not happy though. 

I listened to the news on the radio before I left, I heard that Sinead O’Connor had died, not even 60, what a shame, the news report didn’t say how she had died, they talked of her depressions and mental health issues, I was never a great fan, although I did appreciate her art and a few of her songs, poor her I thought, there are so many people out there struggling to cope with this day to day hectic lifestyle we have talked ourselves into. 

Cycling back from the garage rain in my face, jeans soaked, feet soaked feeling the rain run down my neck I started to laugh, this is life, real life - me, moaning about a bit of fucking rain, after all I’m a gardener , we need this rain… despite the drenching I was getting, the last kilometer was the rain the bike and me smiling and singing ‘nothing compares to rain’.