All in the mind.

 Madness.

Mental health, we don’t say madness anymore, which is as far as I’m concerned madness, every couple of decennia we change words so as not to offend people, until the new words become offensive to the ultra sensitives. 

Anyway, madness, I am starting to think that I might be suffering from a form of it, I’m becoming a bit of a nutter. On top of that I am starting to forget the recent past, I can remember things from years ago, just don’t ask what I did yesterday, that is a mystery. 

In comedy, it comes down to me having to re-write whole pieces of my show every time I perform because I can’t remember what I talked about on stage last week. That’s the memory bit. 

The nutter bit is me constantly doing stuff I hate and yet repeating the behavior. Am I more of a nutter than I used to be? Maybe not, but I am noticing it more than I used to. It could be that the meditation exercises I do are making me more aware of my behavior, who knows? Don’t ask me I’m a self-declared nutter. 

Now you’re waiting for an example of my madness, well that is something between me and myself, but let it be known I am for all intent and purposes verging on a form of madness that, although it allows me to function to a certain extent, is bloody annoying to me. 

I have always thought of myself as an outsider, I try hard to fit in, but the harder I try the less I fit. 

I have never had too many friends, I tried but I don’t know how to cope, or what I am supposed to do with them, I prefer my own company, some of my happiest days are spent with myself, in my own head. 

Over the years I’ve tried to fit into various groups but it's always the same way, I annoy people, I piss them off they piss me off, and I crawl back into my shell and “fuck ‘em”. 

It’s not that I don’t want to be liked or that I don’t care, I do, and very much so. I say ‘yes’ to a lot of things I should say ‘no’ to just in the hope that people will like me, but that never works, because in the end, I despise them because I feel used (although it’s my own fault), so now it’s my time to start learning how to say ‘no’. 

When I do say ‘no’ it ends with me feeling guilty about not doing what was asked, I’m afraid that I will be disliked for saying no. what am I afraid of really? I wouldn’t know, it’s a vague feeling of being shut out, as if I could be more shut out than I am now. 

Quelle misére. 

Another question in my mind is ‘why should I bother trying to change now?’ I’m almost 70!!! Isn’t that a time of life to start thinking of nothingness? Why change now? Surely that would lead to confusion among people at my funeral, different speeches as if they were talking about a different person.

Or should I take a more Buddhist view that life should be about constantly changing for the good, trying to be a better person? Who will say? Not me because I’m a self-declared nutter. 

Looking through the window.

 All great leaders are dead, or history is a lie.

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that some teeth have mysteriously grown? 

Kids at school can learn all the math they want they still won't be able to solve the problem of trying to survive on average pay.

In the parallel economy it's hard to make ends meet.

Ever wonder how many breaths you have left. 

A Poem.

All I see on my tv are talking heads called Celebrities

A shiny one, a laughy one, a pretty one and more, a young one, an old one they must be bred by the score.

Some have sung, some have acted some have talents unknown.

One thing they have in common, they're on the telly

so you'll never hear them moan

Always happy all teeth and smiles, no problems, no debt or pain

But the trouble with this ego herd they're all the fucking same.

Casual thoughts on a weekday, in the mist between Christmas and New Year.

 I'm getting old and I have to adapt. (and pee a lot more)

Everything changes, is changing, and that's good, it's always been that way, now I'm on the receiving end of evolution. I watch my language try to follow the new norm, the new sensitivities. People with multicoloured hair talking to me about gender and gender fluency, don't they now? that when I was their age I was a fan of David Bowie. Although I was an idiot back then (more than now) If you had talked to me about gender fluid I would have thought about the stains on my bed linnen. But David Bowie? he was already into all that stuff. (btw my dog thinks my leg is gender neutral).

One good thing about this getting old gig, I don't have to worry about long term problems.

I'm retro, pre-loved, second hand, antique and my prosthetics make me kind of bric a brac. 

I'd like to meet the person who makes up all the pretentious names for all the different sorts of coffee you can order, and force feed the fucker some coffee beans. 

I love Eastern Europe, most places there don't buy into this fake happiness.

Using pedestrian crossings in Prague just makes you more vulnerable.

I travelled to London for a gig on the eurostar train, I must say the legroom was just about right for me, but I'm just 1m 68cm, for anybody taller it must be hell, but there again my head didn't comfortably reach the cushion on the seat, so the design of these seats are for people with short legs and a long torso I suppose. It's a fast way to cross the Channel, but in a rubber boat you probably have more legroom.

Cold.

 Cold.

I was waiting in line at the checkout of our local supermarket. 

Loading all the stuff we think we’ll need on to the conveyor belt. 

I noticed that the guy behind me only had two chocolate bars. 

I said “go ahead you only have the two chocolate bars, you can go before me”.

He answered with a smile, “It’s ok, I can wait, it’s cold outside”. 

The next day I saw him again, this time sat on his blanket in a shop doorway.

I dropped some money in his cup. 

We smiled, I moved on, it was cold.