And here we are.

 Thursday October 24th 2024

 o.k. as you are.

I listen to podcasts, try to stay informed, trying to find the key to whatever it is I’m looking for. Does all this listening give me any feeling of a well spent life? They fill the day(s), that’s about it.

I sometimes listen to American based comedians talking to other celebs and creators in the hope something might rub off on me, it doesn’t, I just wake up tired, every friggin’ day. 

At one point during Covid while still in ‘lockdown’ I started to become more aware of myself, I was the only person I had real any real knowledge of. I started looking in to the more spiritual side of life. I promised myself I would sign up for Yoga lessons after the lockdown (if anything were still to exist then). 

Meanwhile I would try doing Yoga from an old book I have, written by a woman displayed on the cover in full leggings and shiny Yoga gear. I tried it in my baggy boxers and t-shirt, it was stretching, I felt a teeny bit better in my body, but no spiritual awakening. 

I downloaded (and subscribed) to a well known meditation app, I still use it, does it work? Hard to tell as I’ve never really understood what the end goal or the road to that goal is supposed to look like. My mind wandered, sometimes I nodded off and had a few minutes of deep sleep. 

I’ve done the morning pages routine, as I’m doing now I sit at my laptop writing, with no real aim. I seem to be missing the ‘drive’ the ‘aim’ the ‘urge’ to be getting somewhere , that almost mystical place where I am definitely not at now. 

Am I in some kind of identity crisis? That’s not how I feel, I feel mainly o.k.

I’m just not one of these ‘inspired’ people I guess, I’m totally at ease with where I am now, I perform my few gigs a week, anything more than that is not on my bucket list. Does that make me a ‘loser’? Not really, I’ve always wanted to do stand-up comedy, I’ve made a living out of it for the last 25 years, I feel o.k. 

We’re constantly being bombarded with apps, you tube shite, and podcasts telling us to ‘fight for succes’ ‘aim high’ all that sort of competition jargon which in my eyes only leads to frustration and creating goals that will never be reached. Not everyone can make it ‘to the top’ in their field, if they could there wouldn’t be a top or a field. Whatever domain you work or relax in needs all sorts of human activity to sustain it. Find your groove or niche, find a level of activity that makes you feel o.k. and stick to it, continual growth? leave it to they who love being on the rat race treadmill. Even talking about winners and losers in life is wrong, life is not a sport, it is not a game, it’s an experience. Life is a period of time(we never know how long it will be) during which we experience what it is to be human in our culture and country and nature, and within the boundaries socially acceptable in our society. 

Whatever, and however you choose to fill that ‘precious’ time of actual experience on this earth is your freedom. All the experiences you have, will travel with you to the grave and no longer exist. It’s all about your own personal experience, if you can say at the end of each day “I think I got through today pretty well” well, then you’re a winner ;-)

P.S. As someone said in some book , ‘don’t waste time looking for yourself, you’re already there/here’.